Until roughly a week ago when I couldn’t shrug the blues away. I love the sense of winning over my demons, beating them to an inch of their lives. However, now that I’m a lot older, I have gotten used to the fight. In short, grow a spine sturdy and formidable enough to withstand life’s blows.Īnd while I did grow some backbone out of sheer grit and willpower, the overwhelming feeling of being down in the dumps remained. I likewise grew up in an environment where boys are expected to “suck it up,” steel the nerves, and overcome what needed overcoming. Rather, it was another one of those foolish things boys like me do to escape whatever it was that needed escaping. And while a moment did arrive when I decided to take my own life (I was barely out of my teens at the time), no one thought of the decision as the result of a chemical imbalance or any serious psychological glitch. Prior to today’s understanding of the condition, during my time, it was just what “bad boys” do. Life eventually became a ragbag of clashes and brawls, mainly in bars, oftentimes spilling into the streets as the night wore on. I was a young man much too furious that the only way to diffuse the anger was to let it all out on someone else. Growing up as a teenager many years ago, I’ve had my motley share of “demons” I constantly wrestled with, mainly rage. I hardly understood that sense of melancholy and foreboding for the simple reason that I never saw myself as a person who suffers from any sort of clinical depression. All so suddenly it was there and for the first time in my life as a writer, I didn’t know what to make of it. This time, though, it took every ounce of strength and mental muscle to be done with a short 1,200-word piece.Īt 57, I could already sense my faculties slowly waning without this depression standing between me and what I needed to do. Resolved to meet all my deadlines, I went on the task of doing what I’ve been doing for close to four decades: write. I was struck by a depression I could not understand. Trigger warning: Discussion on depression and suicide. And the struggle to come to terms with those two truths. I suppose that is the human condition, to feel so big, so important, but, just a flicker in the universe.
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